"You can never heal by going back to what has broken you"

I was watching Chesapeake shores, when Kevin said this to his sister Abby after her final goodbye to Trace. The man who she has an on and off relationship with. 

I had to pause and watch it again. As this sounded so true to me. I have been in a 10-year relationship with a man whom I still love and will always love, but it took 4 break-ups to realize that we are not meant to be together in a romantic relationship and that our dynamic had become a toxic one.

But somehow we always ended up again together as the chemistry was so damn strong and I could not picture a life without him. We had gone through so much together.

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My coach had told me several times that an intimate relationship is one of the places where we can grow the most, as our partners mirror us in a way other people normally won’t.

The question is if you are willing to look into that mirror or if you keep on projecting your pain onto your partner and demanding him or her to change, so you won’t have to feel the pain. 

He also told me that something cannot trigger you if it is not within you already. The other person is merely activating that what is already within you. Good or bad.

I believe that as a couple you can grow together and that a relationship is a wonderful, although sometimes challenging place, to develop yourself and to learn who you are.
But I also know now that sometimes we hold on too long, hoping that things might change when it is time to move on. That is also growth.
And yes that can be very painful. 

I shared once with my love that I felt he was my life raft, I literally saw myself clinging on to him, being afraid I would drown if he walked out of my life. 
I knew then and there that I had to go within and find the reason why I was so scared to be on my own and live my life without him as my partner.

You need to travel inwards to explore what the outside world reflects back to you

My healing started then and there. Something was broken and I had to heal it. The relationship had showed me something valuable in one of the darkest times we had, I was terrified of ending up alone. I can spend time on my own, I like to be on my own, but this was something much more profound. It was panic I felt. The place within was dark and very empty and it screamed loneliness

I think we were done way sooner than we realized and we were broken together as a couple but we did not want to see it. I felt I had lost myself, we kept on running the same circles and we tried to find healing with each other when what we had to do was to go inside.

You can never heal by going back to what has broken you. In some way we broke each other, we lost ourselves along the way and we tried to find healing by going back. Holding on to what was.

It takes a lot of courage to look each other in the eye, saying with an open heart “I love you, but I can no longer be with you” and start to go inwards.

The journey we had was a beautiful one, a painful one at times, but we can truly see we have grown. I have grown and I am moving on. With the promise never to leave myself again.

Portrait photo credits: Landa Penders